{disappear}

How much better life would be if you could just disappear for a while– or forever.

Advertisements

{heart}break

Those dreaded word have become a reality. It is so easy to fall for someone who is perfect. Or maybe not perfect, but pretty damn close. The way they make you feel when you feel like you have nothing left, or smile when all you want to do is frown. Losing that is hard, but losing one of your closest friends in the process makes it even more difficult. Falling for someone is fun, exciting, and scary. You put yourself out there to only be accepted or rejected, while doing so you learn more both each other than you ever thought to imagine. This is the part that makes a heart break the worse, how intimate you get with someone and tell your whole life story– everything from the good to the bad. All the words that left your lips soon to be left in the dark when it comes to an end. And the continue question that runs through your head… Did they truly mean all the things they said? Did they? The lingering question will always haunt me, know that one point they felt this way but now the feelings are gone. I know that situations play a role in the matter and how things would be difficult, but how can you just un-feel everything that you once felt for someone. I just can’t understand that, maybe it’s because I love to much. Or that I get to emotionally attached to people and things. Maybe that’s my problem with heart break, that I continue to think the more I love the more I’ll receive back… To only find myself heart broken once again. 
xo,
nik

one {mistake}

The best way to describe a lot of what I’m going though is with this analogy– Standing looking out my window, first a little pebble is thrown at my window. It startles me but I brush it off like it is nothing. Next, a rock gets thrown at the windows, it doesn’t break it but it creates more awareness. Finally, a brick gets thrown through the window and breaks it completely. That’s the point in which you realize something needs to change. You are no longer protected by the window and you are now on your own to face the cold brisk air that now flows through.
This is what has happened to me, my whole life I’ve been thrown pebbles and rocks, it wasn’t until the brick was thrown that I realized I need to start putting my needs before others. Sometimes when you care so much about others you immediately put their needs and well being before your own. Honestly, you sometimes don’t even think of your own self because you just need to ensure that persons needs and problems are being dealt with. That is until the brick got thrown. When this happened it not only changed my life complete, but brought out the darkness from inside. That one moment of lack of judgement can have such a big impact on your life. It has been a life lesson in itself, but even more so on the life I’ve always lived. It has been the reason for this blog, to tell everyone life isn’t always what you pictured it to be. How easy it is to get caught up in others well-being, but you are the one to pay the consequences. I have accepted the fault of my actions because my actions are my own. It just has opened my eyes to my own well-being, to finally stop and put myself first for the future to come. 
xo,

nik 

{perfect}ionist

Perfectionist means different things to different people, many people are perfectionists when it comes to academics–always studying, editing upon editing their papers, etc. , then there are people who are perfectionist when it comes to athletics– late night practices, reviewing tapes, researching different technics, etc. , then there are people like me. Social perfectionists, always trying to be the best to everyone– being the best friend, the best daughter, the best girlfriend, the best sibling, etc. That any encounter with another person has to be perfect. That you strive to be the very best that you can be for others, because without doing so you feel like you’ve just let everyone down. That you must always put others needs before your own to ensure happiness of that person. That any hiccup in the road is seen as a failure to the people you care so much about. Maintaining this type of persona can be exhausting on ones mental health, but it’s just who I am as a person. I can even begin to imagine my life without the main force being others. It took me over 18 years to realize that this is who I was. My issue now is that I need to overcome the reasoning behind my actions. I need to no longer do things for other because of this idea in my head to be perfect, but rather to do it because it’s enjoyable. Sure it’s easy to believe that you’re doing it because you enjoy it but deep down inside the real reason remains. I will always care about other people, that’s just in my blood but I am going to change how I go about thinking of caring about other people. Doing so the heart and mind will become more in synced and the darkness will soon subside. 
xo, 
nik

about {me} 

Born and raised in a medium town (going to school in Missouri made me realize I am not from a small town), had a perfect childhood– a loving family, lots of friends, more American Girl dolls than anyone could possible imagine at the age of 8. Dealt with normal high school things–friendships, heartbreaks, hormonal changes, the usual stuff. Went to an amazing university, GO TIGERS! Looking at my life, it was pretty damn good. So why now do I feel like this? A perfect life, no longer perfect. I’m not saying my life is awful, I am grateful to have a roof above my head, food to eat, and a part-time job to make some money. What no one tells you is how hard things can be at time, how the darkness you feel inside can overcome you so quickly. That each day is a battle, a battle between your mind and your heart. When the dissonance between becomes stronger the harder it is to get through each day. I will not let this darkness define me, but I can’t lie when I say it is apart of me. 

 xo,

nik

prelude

well, here we go. I want to take you on the journey of my life and that being in your 20′s is not all what’s it is cracked up to be. However, before we begin we need to take a step back, and talk about this word: writing. What does it mean? How do you define a quality writer? Why do people write? So many questions surrounding one simple word. Writing is defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary as: “the act or art of forming visible letters or characters”. So how does one simple word of forming visible letters create such a negative connotation in my mouth. I hate writing. I’m not going to lie, I have been told my whole life that I am average at writing, pulling B’s through AP English and same throughout college. So why do teachers, professors, and scholars dictate who is good at writing and who is not, when after all it’s just the art of forming visible characters. It’s because everyone has a preconceived notation of what a good writer should be. From Shakespeare, to J.K. Rowling, to Scott F. Fitzgerald, they have all given us such great pieces of literature that we believe anyone who is less of that is inferior. Always being compared when it comes to writing is why there is such negativity surrounding the topic, to have to constantly think outside the box to set yourself apart from others. Writing should be enjoyable and not something forced. That is why I am creating this blog to express my journey through words. Bare with me while I rediscover what it’s like to write. 

xo, 

nik